Mom Watch from Insanity House:
Stories from the frontlines of single parent mothering

By Tere McDowell and Insanity House

Going it alone

The double-edged sword

I am a single parent woman. Married women look at me sideways, afraid that I will try to seduce their husbands. After all, everyone wants one and I don’t have one; therefore common logic suggests that I want hers. Husbands look at me sideways, they are uncomfortable with me spending time with their wives; after all, I have tremendous freedom, the kind that all women want. Common logic suggests that I will convince your wife that she should want the kind of freedom I have and she will leave you for that freedom.

I am the failed representation of womanhood and motherhood in American society. I cannot, could not keep a man. I cannot provide the things for my children that those of a two-parent household can provide. I cannot be a soccer mom; I am at work. My children do not have bikes, or name brand tennis shoes. My children are unsupervised in the afternoons, often eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches washed down with water as the sun slips below the horizon. Homework unfinished, unswept floors, and dishes left in the sink from yesterday’s peanut butter and jelly dinners.

I hear everywhere that women should not stay in relationships that are damaging to them or their children. Even Dear Abby speaks with great wisdom as she instructs women to leave while they still can. However, once that woman takes a step out the door to the dream of safety and the big unknown, she has become a societal failure amongst women and families.

Juggling every month between rent, utility bills, auto insurance, new shoes for the kids and food; something’s got to give. Some things have got to go. If I took on another job, my children would never see me. I would be working from 7:30 in the morning until 10:30 at night. The state would consider me neglectful as a parent. Funny how the kids’ father not paying support does not make him neglectful of being a parent. This is because I have failed as a woman, as a wife, and I must be punished. Hardship is the punishment for my decision to leave. Attempts to get state assistance render me a welfare woman. Adding more shame to insult and fear.

As a single parent woman, I know how our society views me and my children. Well-meaning friends and family try to introduce me to nice men. “All you need is a nice man in your life”. What is being communicated is that until I find a nice man, my life, my family will have no value and no place within this society. And more importantly, how could I possibly be happy in my life until I find this nice man. If I ever dare to date, I am again struck by the other edge of the sword that tells me that I should not be complicating my children’s already chaotic world by bringing a man into it. Further more, “shouldn’t I be home with my children?”

There is a double edge sword in our society. It is simple. Play by the social rules of marriage and legitimate family, or we will punish you by forcing you into severe poverty with no recourse for the support that is due you by law. Unless you have a partner standing next to you, you will be scrutinized, judged and condemned with distrust and shame. Your children will also suffer, not from the divorce, or my choice to go it alone, but simply because they “chose” you as their mother.

To save society the trouble; I have embroidered a lovely “H” for “hoyden” on my daily dress, and have bled enough due to the double-edge blade of the sword of social defiance. I am alone, happy, safe and free. As are my children, as we sit eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches under candle light as the sun slips beneath the horizon.

mmo : July 2004

Tere McDowell is Psychic Surgeon of Insanityhouse, Inc. and
Partner Suitable of RaiseTheNation.org.