| Here’s the tricky
part: feminism has always, and must, include judgements— judgments
about what is harmful to women and what liberates women. So should
the solution simply be that good judgments, feminist judgments, are
okay while petty, bitchy, or dare we say, false consciousness judgements
are wrong? So, for example, it’s okay—even necessary—to
suggest that mothers should work outside the home, that housework
is drudgery women should be relieved from doing, but it’s not
okay to criticize someone’s yogurt choice for her daughter?
That the first kind of judgment is noble, structural, and concerned
with liberation while the second is petty. Or rather, that the second seems petty on the surface but is actually linked to a dangerous,
regressive ideology of motherhood that involves constant vigilance
and never-ending domestic work. An ideology that is about much more
than the sugar-content in yogurt because it necessitates a kind of
mothering that so time-consuming and all encompassing that a woman
couldn’t possibly do anything other than mother.
This analysis of what’s lurking behind the yogurt comment
seems perfectly reasonable to me. I am no stranger to judgment and
critical analysis of others. Indeed, if someone forced me to say:
false consciousness or not, you must choose one, must make a judgment
now, I would definitely choose “false consciousness, “
regarding the yogurt comment. I’m not 100 percent sure, but
I’d be willing to wager. Is there a possibility— however
slim, though— that she simply likes to syringe finds it sensual?
Certainly, my sons would. Anything gooey is of great excitement
and interest to them. This seems like quite a stretch as reasoning
for the woman in the park, but shouldn’t we give her the benefit
of the doubt? If so, what would that mean— giving her the
benefit of the doubt?
My question for feminists who want to build community, is what
we say back to her, more than what we should think internally.
Still, I believe giving someone the benefit of the doubt means,
in this case, the benefit of our doubt about our own analysis. Feminists,
like everyone else, are sometimes wrong. If we want to build community
with other women, I think we have to be open to surprise and willing
to listen. This seems simple and obvious— human interaction
101— but I have found it incredibly difficult to do as a mother
when I myself have felt “under attack” from another
mother’s seeming judgment.
While no one has yet to recommend that I syringe anything, I have
found myself in frequent possible judging situations. I haven’t
known what to do. What a feminist should do, what a feminist who
cares deeply about building community with other women should do.
The scenario would go like this— another mother would say
something that I felt was a judgment on my mothering, on my lack
of selflessness. Something like one of these:
“Don’t you think you should put a hat on your son?”
“Oh, so you use Pampers. Oh, uh-huh. We actually use
the organic cloth delivery service.”
“Oh, your child is with a babysitter on Wednesdays. Oh,
uh-huh. Too bad he won’t get to socialize with the playgroup.”
“You’re a writer? Oh, uh-huh. That must be…interesting.”
Were these really judgments, or was I just being paranoid, touchy?
I was grossly underslept; maybe this made me imagine a cruel intent
that wasn’t there.
Part One of myself felt like I was probably
wrong in feeling judged. I was just touchy and tired. Even so, Part
Two of myself felt wounded by the remark because I was less than
confident in my mothering abilities. Oh shit, I’d been
giving my baby straight organic strawberry yogurt. Who knew this
wasn’t good enough? Who knew it was too sweet?My
child’s teeth would rot out, be rotten as soon as they came
in. Oh no, oh no. I felt panicked.
At the same time, Part Three
felt that the particular judgment was silly. Who cares? What
difference does it make? I’d think to myself. Finally,
Part Four was saddened and then pissed off. I found the woman’s
words retrograde and dangerous rather than just silly. I felt I
had an analysis of what was going on, even though I couldn’t
be sure that my analysis was accurate. All that had been verbally
exchanged, after all, was one slightly barbed comment. How much
is reasonable to read into that?
Not sure, I’d typically smile through gritted teeth, without
saying anything. Silence was not the way I wanted to act as a feminist,
a neighbor, or a fellow human being. Mentally, I wasn’t having
such a shutdown. Mentally, I went through two comebacks. Here’s
the first:
Bitch. You are a bitch in the same way high school girls can
be. I know this behavior, I do it myself sometimes, and it’s
women at our worst.
Here was my second mental comeback, a bit headier than the first:
You clearly feel less than confident. So you’re projecting
your anxieties out onto me. If you can be the expert, be better
than me in this scenario, then maybe you can feel better about yourself—
if just for a moment. Is it working, do you feel better?And
then to be truly honest, this second comeback would still probably
wind up with the word “bitch” as well.
But I never said either
of these! Just to be clear: I have never used the b-word to another
women in the park. I was silent, but I don’t want to be silent
anymore because the stakes are too high. |
