Reading Anne Crittenden's book was a real turning point for me in understanding that what was happening to me was discrimination. I was an assistant professor of psychology at a woman's university when I gave birth to my first child. At three months postpartum, I attended my mid-tenure review. The committee spent 5-10 minutes listing my positive qualities (in other words, that I was doing all that was required to achieve tenure in terms of teaching, service and research) and then the next 50 minutes telling me how I didn't volunteer for things, I only did the minimum, I wasn't a team player, etc., etc. I was completely blindsided as I never expected the meeting to be negative. I ended up in tears thinking that I had done something wrong and that I couldn't possibly be a good mother and do my job well.
Several months later, I read The Price of Motherhood. I was completely amazed at the descriptions Crittenden offered of other meetings new mothers attended because they could have been my own. She even quoted some of the same exact phrases my "colleagues" used at my mid-tenure review. It was uncanny; it was like Ms. Crittenden had been present at my review!! It was then that I realized that what was happening to me was not my fault, that it was discrimination pure and simple. This insight was so incredibly profound to me that I still remember where I was sitting when the realization occurred. This knowledge gave me the strength to persevere and place the blame where it belonged. When I complained to the dean about the treatment I received, I also included information the book gave as evidence to back up my claim that what was happening to me was wrong. I was so impressed with the book that it became one of the three texts I used in my Psychology of Mothering course.
Unfortunately, knowing that I was being discriminated against didn't help me with my job. Approximately three years after I gave birth, I resigned my position at the university because I could not tolerate the abuse I was receiving. However, I still write, research and do activism around mothering issues, so the book has been one that I recommend repeatedly to people interested in the topic. Thank goodness Ms. Crittenden wrote it!
-- name withheld by request |
I recently read The Price of Motherhood, and it really made me think. I am a single mother determined to raise my own child rather than a daycare or public school. I think a lot of mothers desire to be at home and raise their own kids, but it is very hard in America. I figured that if I was making even $10 an hour, after taxes and paying a daycare or sitter, I would only bring home $5 an hour. That's not enough to live on.
Yes, women have the right to pursue careers. The way I see it, this is my career. I'm investing my time, money and energy in the future of not only my family, but my country and the world and that is a greater investment than the stock market, and IRA, or whatever else.
I think Ms. Crittenden is on to something and while she offered some good ideas, I was frustrated that she didn't offer any practical advice on what could be done to make changes. What letters can be written? What contributions made? Is there anyone out there fighting for mothers? I could go on and on.
-- Machelle R. Miller |
I appreciated Ms. Crittenden's description of mothering as being valid work that is overlooked and undervalued in our society. Her explanation of the value of human capital has given me a new perspective on a variety of current events involving how different countries treat their mothers and children. (GO SWEDEN!) Ms. Crittenden made excellent points about how mothers' work is devalued and she didn't even mention what was for me the most draining part of early motherhood: my body making up to 40 ounces of breast milk for him daily, which was available around the clock. I had to consciously concentrate on eating enough healthy food, drinking enough fluids, and getting enough rest to allow my body to do its job on top of physically taking care of him and our home.
So yes, I was already aware that I was doing a full-time job, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no acknowledgement, pay, benefits, sick leave, or vacation. (What a letdown to actually go to the beach for a week when my son was 10 months old… only to realize that it was NOT a vacation for me, only for the people in my family who had left paid jobs behind them! I felt like I did more work that week that I usually did.)
I should mention that I am a very fortunate mother: my husband helps so much around the house that I wish he would do less so that I would feel less guilty. I stay at home full-time, cook all our meals from scratch, do all errands/shopping, plan all activities, pay bills, straighten the house, and plan to entertain friends and family in our home. I am also available as a 'safety net' for other families. I can visit sick friends in the hospital, make meals for friends who have had new babies, and take care of my half-sibs when they are home sick from school. My husband's income is generous enough to support us comfortably, and I know we are really better off than most families in the country. Still it was alarming to read in black and white about all the money I am losing by staying home full time.
I am also lucky to have a strong marriage, since it was terrifying to read how little women can count on in times of divorce. I know my mother wanted to leave her marriage to my father years before she actually did; she waited until all three of us went to school full-time and she had a steady job before moving forward with her decision. Most days I feel like I am living the best life I could imagine for myself, despite it being often difficult, boring, and demanding. Again, I think the strong marriage and supportive spouse is key.
Lastly, I think I am lucky because I have actively avoided attaching my identity and self-worth to the numbers on my paychecks. I recognize that I live in a bubble of prosperity and that is probably one of the reasons I even have time to consider issues such as the column of zeros I am accumulating on my Social Security Report. My friends who work and have children don't have a single second to spare worrying about political reforms or even their own retirement accounts, but they agree that they receive very little support, especially my friends who are single mothers.
I am interested in supporting a political reform movement for motherhood; I am just completely unsure where to begin and unsure as to what I will be able to do besides write letters to politicians, as Second Baby will be arriving in a few months. I feel like I have my hands full now, so who knows when I will again have energy to focus in this area? (Maybe this is one of the reasons a motherhood movement has not formed more fully in the past? Because mothers are so overworked and exhausted?) I have even considered this topic area for my next career.
-- Michelle Flanagan Short
mmo : may 2006 |
